Since the start of the year my social media feeds have been bombarded with different TeaToxes. You might be saying, “I’ve never heard of a TeaTox, what is that?” and if so I applaud you for being able to avoid this sudden influx because frankly it’s driving me a little batty. On the other hand you might be saying, “Oh, I have heard of that! I’m going to try one for a flatter tummy!” or “I have one that gives me energy!” or “I have one that’s going to make my eyesight better!” Cue me rolling my eyes. Your body does not function the way these TeaToxes claim and I’m here now to explore that. First, let me take a moment to briefly explain what a TeaTox is.
It’s actually pretty straightforward; a TeaTox is no different than any other detox supplement. They mix together a bunch of ingredients that are supposed to help you achieve a goal, whether that’s increased energy or increased metabolism, in order to help you lose weight and live a cleaner, happier, fuller life. You buy one of the many products at your local pharmacy/grocery store (usually next to the produce aisle because, you know, health.) and you drink 1 or 2 a day for however many days that particularly brand says to; often you’ll find them in 7, 10 or 14 day formats. The idea is that by drinking the tea it will “kickstart” your body into action, flushing out all the “bad toxins” its holding thereby making you healthier. Sounds great, doesn’t it? All you have to do is a drink a tea or two a day and you’ll get rid of the nasty goop that’s been slowing down your body; what a time to be alive!
And much like other detoxes, it’s completely bogus.
Let’s say your overall goal is weight loss (because who isn’t trying to lose a couple these days.) so you rush out to the store and pick up a box of Skinny TeaTox. I mean, it has “skinny” in the name so it’s gotta help, right? Skinny TeaTox boasts that its ingredients are 100% natural and therefore harmless to you, so let’s take a look at what those ingredients are before we go any further.
*Note: I’m pulling all of this information from Skinny TeaTox’s direct website, and even though I’m focusing in on these guys, this applies to all TeaTox companies.
1. “Ingredients include: tea leaves, senna leaf, ginseng, chrysanthemum, cinnamon bark, cloves, rhubarb, ginger, and more.”
Okay, so that all looks pretty normal for tea, and we’re just going to gloss over the part of this that says “and more” instead of actually telling us what the hell we’re consuming because clearly Skinny TeaTox doesn’t think it’s important so nor should we. Personally I believe transparency is important, and if a company isn’t up front about what they’re giving you, that’s usually your first red flag.
So how does this magical tea work exactly?
2. “Skinny Teatox is a two step-program. All of our teatox kits (the 7 day, 14 day, and 28 day and our new line 7 day mint, 14 day mint and 28 day mint) come with two different types of tea.
Morning Tea: This is meant to be enjoyed in the morning. It’s a stimulant and gives you a steady and constant supply of energy throughout the day. It also increases your metabolism and aids with appetite suppression.
Evening Tea: This tea cleanses and detoxifies your body. It’s a colon cleanse that flushes out your digestive tract of toxins and unwanted excess which could be making it more difficult for you to lose weight.”
Let’s save our excitement about the 28-day option for when we’re finished going through all of this. More, or longer, does not equal better, and that’s all I’ll say about that at the moment.
So you’re supposed to drink two teas a day, one in the morning, astutely named “Morning Tea” and one in the Evening; Evening Tea …. The creative department was all in on this.
The morning tea is is a “stimulant and gives you a steady supply of energy.” Read: it has caffeine, probably the aforementioned Ginseng. It also “increases your metabolism.”
We’re going to pause here because it is very important that you understand how your metabolism works.
Your metabolism is the process in which your body takes the food and beverages you consume and converts them into energy. Your basal metabolic rate is the amount of energy you burn while just doing basic bodily functions; i.e your liver functioning, your heart beating, breathing etc. It’s determined by your age, your sex and your body size and composition. Often times people blame their lack of weight loss on their “slow metabolism” but the truth in the matter is that your body’s basal metabolic rate pretty much stays the same regardless of what you do. It’s a pretty consistent machine so if this is the first time you’re hearing it I’m sorry but your lack of fat loss success is more than likely not caused by your metabolism.
So what I’m getting to here is I’ve already caught SkinnyTea in a lie – it will not increase your metabolism.
Moving on. “Aids with appetite suppression.” Caffeine does this. So does good old fashioned water. So do certain foods like nuts or seeds – the note I want to make here is that there are ample ways to “suppress appetite” but honestly why would you want to do that? Food is delicious! The key to long term weight loss is to find the foods that make you feel satiated while providing you with the nutrition your body craves; protein and healthy fats are your big heros here.
Let’s check out what the evening tea has to offer now. “This tea cleanses and detoxifies your body.” You know what else cleanses and detoxifies your body? Your organs. And they do it all by themselves without any outside help, every single day of your life! Ever go out for a large meal, or wait, maybe it’s Superbowl Sunday and you’ve spent the entire day filling your body with grease and beer and fat and carbs. Ever notice how terrible you feel the next day, and how much more relief you feel after you’ve had some water and perhaps spent a little longer in the bathroom than normal? Yeah, that’s your body naturally detoxing. When you throw up from excess alcohol? Natural detoxing. When you have to pee? Detoxing! Your liver, your digestive tract, urinary tract – all of these helpful folks and more are plugging away by the minute getting rid of any excess it doesn’t need, and believe me – it doesn’t need your help. If it did, you’d be in the hospital dealing with it. That being said, you will keep those organs a whole lot happier if you ate nutrient dense foods and kept yourself well hydrated as much as possible on a consistent basis. Healthy fats, vitamins, minerals – all stuff you can just keep as a regular staple in your diet instead of buying an expensive tea. (A 7 day run of SkinnyTea will set you back $35.00 …. How much does your regular tea cost? I know I can buy 40 bags of Green Tea for like, $3.00. Just saying.)
Skinny TeaTox goes on to describe what the process of the cleanse is. Hint: it involves drinking a morning and evening tea. But for those of us that like lists, let’s go through the process together, shall we?
3. “Here’s what you do:
Step 1: Buy one of our teatox kits (the 7 day, 14 day, and 28 day).
*Step 1: Convince the consumer into buying the product. The more days the better. $$$.
Step 2: One cup of morning tea every day. It’s an all-natural and delicious loose leaf tea that’s a stimulant and gives you a steady and constant supply of energy throughout the day. It also increases metabolism and aids with appetite suppression. It is a loose leaf tea and therefore you should use a loose leaf tea filter like our Strawberry Tea Filter or disposable tea filters that can be purchased at most grocery stores and tea or coffee shops.
*Step 2: Ensure there’s some sort of add-on, in this case, special tea filters that you can totally conveniently buy from us so why aren’t you doing it already? You need it to detox! Think of your body, people!
Step 3: One cup of evening tea every other night. This is the cleansing and detoxification tea. These teas come in teabags and are meant to be taken every other day in the evening after dinner. Our evening tea is a colon cleanse that flushes out your digestive tract of toxins and unwanted excess which could be making it more difficult for you to lose weight.
*Step 3. Pretty much the same as Step 2, but we’re going to reinforce that this is what you need to do to lose weight. Also make a little note of their word use here…. “Which could be making it more difficult.” As we discussed, it is not affecting your ability to lose weight, there are other factors at play here that Skinny TeaTox have not addressed yet.
Step 4: It’s important to combine healthy eating and exercise with your teatox program. Although changing your diet and activity level isn’t absolutely necessary to see results, it will speed up the process. Stay healthy everyone. You’re not going to get skinny just by drinking a tea, especially if you live an unhealthy lifestyle. Eat your fruits and vegetables, avoid fatty foods, exercise and be happy.
*Step 4: Oh there it is! This product won’t work unless you eat healthy and excercise with the program! How convenient! You know what still works for weight loss even if you don’t buy a teatox kit? Just eating healthy and exercising. Hell you don’t even have to exercise. As I discussed in a previous post, weight loss comes down to simply eating less than you burn. Always.
Step 5: Tell a friend about Skinny Teatox. :-)”
*Step 5: Help us become even richer by convincing your friends you need this shit, too!!
I think you get the picture.
But wait, SkinnyTea goes on to answer the question on all of our minds:
“IS SKINNY TEATOX ONLY FOR WOMEN?
Absolutely not. We have a special teatox just for men, called Skinny Teatox for Men. “
Oh thank God! Now everyone can waste money, not just women!
So there you have it. That’s what a TeaTox is, and it is absolutely, unequivocally, a giant waste of time that targets your self-doubt and tricks you into believing that you need to spend an absurd amount of money on a promise it cannot fulfill.
Eat well. Work out sometimes. Be happy. Tell your friends.