Another Tuesday, another trip down memory lane 😉 This week’s feature is an absolutely absurd and awful screenplay I can only assume was a rushed effort for Drama class in ’05 or ’06. Enjoy!
Scene 1: The Plan
Enter Casey and Jordan in a deserted warehouse: evening.
JORDAN: So… what’s the plan?
CASEY: What do you mean ‘what’s the plan’? We’ve been over it a thousand times!
JORDAN: Right. Of course. I mean … we have?
CASEY: You know! The bank, the plan, you and me going to the bank…tomorrow…?
JORDAN: That’s the plan? I thought we were just talking about what we’ve seen in movies!
CASEY: We were … but that’s what we’re going to do anyways. It almost always works in the movies.
JORDAN: And they almost always – actually, no, they ALWAYS get caught.
CASEY: But we know what we’re doing.
JORDAN: Well, you know what you’re doing.
CASEY: And if you listened you would know what you’re doing, too. I wrote it down for you. I even included a diagram. Look it over tonight and we’ll be just fine tomorrow. Meet me at the East side of the bank at, say … 9:38a.m. It wont be too busy that early in the morning.
(They exit the warehouse)
Scene 2: The Crime
Enter Jordan at the East side outside of the bank where Casey is waiting. Inside the bank, the lone bank teller goes about his daily business.
CASEY: You’re late. It’s 9:38. You should always be early for meetings. No wonder you can’t get a real job.
JORDAN: Sorry. My shoelace got caught in the door on the way out today and it snapped. I didn’t want to show up to a robbery only to have my shoes fall off as I’m going out the door from missing laces.
CASEY: Yeah, that was smart of you. I’ll give you credit for thinking ahead. (Pause) Nevertheless, let’s go do this – I missed breakfast today and I don’t want to be late for lunch.
JORDAN: But I’m not rea–
CASEY: You’ll relax once we get in there. Come on.
(They enter the bank)
CASEY: All right, this is a stick-up! Everybody onto the floor! Now!
JORDAN: Except you (Points to the teller.) You stay up … No, not you (Gestures to a civilian) I’m talking to the guy beside you. You get down.
CASEY: No, we need the other guy up.
JORDAN: Why? He’s just a civilian.
CASEY: Because! If they’re going to take us seriously we need a hostage.
JORDAN: But —
BANK TELLER: Sorry but – is it me or the other guys who’s supposed to stand?
CASEY: Didn’t you look at the diagram?
JORDAN: Your drawing was just chicken scratch! It was just a picture of you holding money. It didn’t actually show me anything. And your instructions were sub-par at best. “Go to bank and steal”…
CASEY: All right, all right, whatever. You’re so picky, you know that? Okay teller; get us all the money you can.
TELLER: I – I can’t really… I can’t really get you anything. I mean –
CASEY: What are you saying?
JORDAN: (To teller) He’s holding a gun you know.
TELLER: Yeah…Yeah – bu-but see… (His hands shake)
CASEY: Spit it out, kid.
TELLER: It’s my first day here. I – I don’t really know — how to handle these…situations.
CASEY: You have got to be kidding me.
JORDAN: It’s okay. Just go to your little safety box or whatever you have that holds all the money, and give it to us.
(Watches the teller go to get money)
CASEY: Really good Jordan. You’re quick with things like this.
JORDAN: Yeah, thanks man. I try.
(Enter Cop from stage left)
COP: FREEZE! Drop your weapons!
(Casey and Jordan glance at each other. Jordan, flourished, drops his gun)
CASEY: What are you doing? Pick it up!
(Jordan scrambles to pick up the gun)
COP: I said freeze!
CASEY: Are you crazy? We just had to explain to this kid (nods to the teller who is beginning to walk back tot he counter with a bag of money) how to do his own job. Now see, there’s two of us…
COP: I completely understand what you’re saying guys, but this is my job and you’re supposed to listen to me. (Acknowledges badge on his shirt.) See, Law Enforcer.
JORDAN: Listen officer, Casey Tepps and I need a little bit of cash, you know?
(Casey hits Jordan’s head)
CASEY: (whispering) Way to say my name, idiot.
COP: Casey Tepps? You’re kidding me! (Casey and Jordan stare at the cop, confused) Class of 2006 Richmond High!
CASEY: Oh my…(Takes a hard look at the cop) Peter McDonald? Oh man! (Nudges Jason forward) And this is Jason Phillips!
COP: Quarterback Jason Phillips who stole the season and took us to state? I haven’t seen you since that final game against Hillside! Man, you were on fire that night!
JASON: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
CASEY: Who would have thought you’d become a cop!
COP: And you guys! (Laughs) Criminals! You guys can’t do anything right!
JORDAN: Yeah, you should have seen us try to jack this convienece store last week.
COP: I thought you guys looked familiar! I saw the surveillance footage from that night! You guys should really wear some masks or something.
JORDAN: Yeah that’s what I said too, but the masks push my hair in front of my face and get all itchy…
TELLER: Hey guys, sorry to interrupt but I got as much of the change as I could.
CASEY: Hey thanks buddy, we appreciate it. (Jordan grabs the bag, and Casey grabs a piece of paper off the counter) You know what I’m going to do? (Waving the paper) I’m going to take this piece of paper here, your customer service cards, and write that Mike D should be promoted for doing such a god job.
TELLER: Really? Thanks so much. (They shake hands)
CASEY: Hey Petey, it was great to see you again.
COP: Likewise! Hopefully we can hang out soon, like old times, you know?
JORDAN: Ha. (Unconvincingly) Yeah…yeah, maybe.
(Casey and Jordan exit through the front doors; stage right)
COP: They’re something else, those two.
TELLER: Definitely. Nice guys. But, uh, aren’t you supposed to, like, arrest them?
COP: Those guys? Yeah…Yup, I should have. My supervisor’s going to be pretty upset. But man – it was GREAT to see them again!
(Cop exits leaving the bank teller baffled)